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"THE HACIENDA" 

Bttnam 

Of a Vaudeville or Musical Comedy 



in tuia acts 



by 
SHAFTER HOWARD 



THE DRAMATIC RIGHTS OF THIS SCENARIO, STORY. SITUATIONS 
AND BUSINESS, ARE RESERVED 



PUBLISHED BY THE AUTHOR 

NEWPORT, R. I. 

COPYRIGHTED 1922 



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THE HACIENDA 

A Vaudeville in Two Acts. 



PEOPLE IN THE PLAY 



The Earl of Stoke-Pogis age 56 

The Countess of Stoke-Pogis, his wife " 52 
Hon. Reginald Druce, their son " 21 

Hon. Gladys Druce, their daughter " 19 

William Binks, a movie picture producer " 33 
Mary Money, a movie star " 19 

Donald Aircranks, a movie star " 25 

H. R. H. the Prince of Wales " 24 

James Andrews, a Los Angeles million- 
aire " 60 
Fannie Andrews, his daughter, (un- 
married, ugly) •" 35 
Hon. Percy Grafton, a hanger on of the 

British Aristocracy, visiting Earl " 40-45 

10 Officers of H. M. S. "Renown" 
10 Chorus men, appearing in Act 1 in 
flannels and made to look as much 
like Douglas Fairbanks as possible. 
15 Chorus Girls made to look as much 
like Mary Pickford as possible; hair 
etc. 
(Movie actors, actresses and specialists) 



The main themes of this play are (1) the com- 
plications made by the Volstead act (just passed), 
(2) the getting together of the young American 
and English people (love interests), "Hands across 
the sea", etc. 

The story is built around the visit of H. R. H. 
the Prince of Wales to California in 1919 in the 
Cruiser "Renown" with his suite. 



ACT I. 

Scene: A long, one story house of the Spanish 
type with red tiled roof stretches across stage at 
back. Square towers at each end of building. There 
is a large front door in centre and French win- 
dows which open upon a terrace ten feet wide 
running the length of house. Terrace a foot or 
more higher than stage. A railing (stone) runs 
along edge of terrace on which are potted plants 
or flowers; there is a break in this railing at 
centre opp. front door of house twelve feet wide. 
Steps here to terrace — two low steps. 

On back drop is painted the distant mountains 
of the Los Angeles range, and the blue sky of 
California. Vines and flowers partially cover the 
house. 

On the terrace L. is a large yellow umbrella 
under which a small table is set with breakfast 
things, three chairs at the table. 



SCENARIO 
Hon. Reggie Druce and Lady Gladys, his sister, 
are discovered on rise of curtain, he at extreme 
right of terrace, she at extreme left. Each is sig- 
nalling to people off stage L. and R. as they sing. 
Chorus answering them off stage at L. and R. 
They are .beckoning the golf girls and men to 
come on, which these people presently do, singing 
and going through manouvers with the music in 
the opening number. These people are movie actors 
and actresses from Hollywood whom Reggie and 
Gladys have met on the golf links. Their associ- 
ation with these people is galling to the countess, 
their mother, but the Earl is inclined to favor it, 
being very democratic. Girls' coiffeurs as much 
like Mary Pickford as possible, men like Douglas 
Fairbanks in appearance and make-up. 

OPENING CHORUS 
Reggie (signalling to girls off R.) : 

Ah! Ho! Ah ho! Ah ho! 
Gladys (signalling to men off L.) : 

Ah! Ho! Ah ho! Ah ho! 
•Girls (Off stage) : 

The sun is up, the lark is on the wing. 
Men (Off stage) : 

He's on the wing. 
Girls : 

Dame nature now is smiling upon everything. 
Men: 

It is the time for us to dance and sing. 
Girls : 

To dance and sing. — 
Men: 

The hills with music ring, — 
Girls : 

The birds and bees are in the trees 

And singing joyously. 
All: 

Their roundelay, — their merry roundelay, 

Girls (Entrance here of Girls and Men from R.&L.) : 

It is the thing to dance and sing 

Upon this lovely day. 

Come out and play, — come out and play; 

For this is golfing weather. 
Men: 

We'll do the links together. 
All: 

We're in the finest feather 

For what's the use of pleasant days 

If you have the golfing craze? 

We will say in this connection 

It is fine for the complexion 

Golfing in this balmy section 

Is a pleasure 

Thus we take the measure 

Of the Golden days. 



copyrighted 1922— shafter howard 



All: 

Ring! ring! old mission bells, — 

We like to hear them ringing on the highways. 
Men: 

Also on the by-ways. 
All: 

Bells that ring so joyfully, — 

Golfing is our chief delight 

Dancing also through the night 

Incidentally we're in the movies 

As you all can plainly see 

But, — only in-ci-dent-al-Jz/. 

After singing this musical number all exit L. and R. 

The Earl comes out of doorway, newspaper in 
hand and seats himself at the breakfast table read- 
ing. Lackey bringing food on a tray enters and 
serves him. 

Conversation between lackey and Earl. 

Countess appears, a letter in her hand; she is 
flustered and reads letter to Earl. It is from a 
movie producer offering her and her daughter a 
large sum of money if they will appear in a pic- 
ture. Countess indignant. Earl laughs and says 
he thinks it a good idea, — they being none too well 
off. Why not? 

As they eat breakfast they talk, principally Count- 
ess, on the subject of the easy ways of Americans 
and the attentions of their son and heir, Reggie, 
to these movie people; also of their daughter's 
golfing with the movie actor, Donald Aircranks. 
Countess disgusted, says this must stop. Earl dis- 
agrees with her. She gets angry and tells him 
that this sort of thing will kill her as she has 
only part of a lung left, (which they have come out 
to get cured). 

Hon. Percy Grafton appears and seats himself, 
after morning greetings, at table. Further talk on 
subject of movie people and Grafton says he wishes 
they would give him a job in the movies. Exas- 
perates countess by telling her she would be great 
as a comedy woman, at which the Earl laughs. 

Lackey brings in telegram for Earl. He opens 
and reads and announces with surprise to all the 
arrival at Santa Monica of the "Renown" with 
H. R. H. Prince of Wales and suite. The wire is 
from Wales and says that they are golfing that 
morning at Burley Hills and will all be with them 
at luncheon, — one thirty or earlier. 

This announcement brings consternation to all 
as they expected Wales the next day, and as they 
have only been in the Hacienda a few weeks and 
since the country went dry there is no "hooch" in 
the house, and all Grafton was able to get the day 
before was a single bottle of "Rye" which the Earl 
says will not go very far with H. R. H. and his 
bunch of sailors, especially after golfing all morn- 
ing. Countess hustles off to prepare things. Earl 



and Grafton curse out the Volstead Act, etc. De- 
plorable state of affairs. 

What shall they do? Grafton says he will go in 
to Hollywood and see his golfing friends and see 
if he can get some "hooch". Earl follows countess 
into house. 

Grafton alone, the impecunious English fortune 
hunter sings a song in which he tells of the trials 
of a younger son (himself) looking for an heiress. 

"ISABEL" 

(Song — Grafton and chorus, if necessary) 
After this song a motor horn heard R. and a 
dilapidated Ford car comes from R. containing 
Mr. W. Binks and other golfers, comedy people. 
They all have on golf togs and carry golf bags. 
Car stops at C. and all get out. Car moves on 
to L. and off. Binks sings song. 

"THE GOLF NUT" 
Song and chorus, (golf business by men) 
Everyone thinks that the old golf links 
Is the place for a happy day 

With its rocks and rills and its nice green hills 
And its bunkers along the way. 
But I think golf is a long way off 
From what it's cracked up to be 
For it makes me swear and it fills the air 
With much profanity. 

In driving a ball if you hit it at all 

It's sure to go off the route 

Where the grass is high and you get a bad lie. 

Then the caddies begin to hoot. 

Nine times out of ten you discover that when 

Your ball has gone skipping that way 

It can not be found tho' you search all around 

For the rest of the live-long day. 

So of course you call for a brand new ball 

Which the caddie extracts from your bag, — 

It's a dollar each time, which you think is a crime 

And your spirits begin to flag. 

But you push right along and you whistle a song 

You are really as brave as a Junker 

And the very next shot you find you have got 

Afoul of a beautiful bunker ! ! 

You make shot after shot to get over this spot 

And you hope that the crowd haven't seen 

That it took twenty strokes, fifty oaths and some 

croaks 
To get your ball up to the green. 

REFRAIN 

They talk of the pleasures of golfing, 
But it gives me less pleasure than pain. 
And T often declare after fouling the air 
That I'll never go golfing again. 
But the visions of high-balls that follow 
And the thirst I acquire as I play 
Off-set all this pain, I am at it again, — 
I am tearing up turf every day. 



After this number Grafton welcomes Binks and 
others, and tells of the coming of H. R. H. the 
Prince of Wales and suite to luncheon. Asks Binks 
if he can not bring: over a bunch of clever actors 
and actorines to amuse Royalty after lunch, which 
Binks thinks he can do. As for booze — Binks says 
tnere is nothing doing. 

At the end of a short conversation another motor 
horn is heard R. and a large Packard car comes 
from R. to C. down front, driven by a chauffeur 
and in tonneau are James Andrews and his fat 
daughter. Grafton and all bow and Grafton helps 
them out of car which goes off L. Andrews ex- 
plains that he and Fannie are on their way to 
Burley Hills Golf Club and dropped in to see how 
the Earl and family are getting on. Grafton tells 
them of the arrival of Wales and the mess they 
are in, having no booze, etc. Andrews says he can 
fix that all right, and suggests their all lunching 
with him at his mine "The Sub Rosa" which is 
but twenty miles away along the highway, and 
where, as he explains, 3,000 ft. below ground he has 
the finest collection of beverages west of New York. 
Earl enters and after greetings Andrews puts it 
up to him to bring the prince and suite to the "Sub 
Rosa" for luncheon. Countess comes on and is 
persuaded by Earl to accept Andrews' invitation. 
Fannie and Grafton in this scene are together R. 
and in dumb show appear to be very much in- 
terested in each other. Andrews calls his daughter 
to get into car as they must go ahead and make 
preparations for their guests at the mine. Before 
starting Binks tells Andrews he is going to bring 
over a lot of movie people. Andrews says "the 
more the merrier". Countess is shocked at the idea 
of having movie people to meet H. R. H. but the 
Earl sits on her by saying that they are just the 
kind the prince wants to meet, etc. 

As Andrews and daughter start off L. in car the 
others disappear into house and orchestra plays pre- 
lude to song which is the next musical number. 

The stage is empty for some moments here, au- 
dience watching an aeroplane which appears in dis- 
tance against the blue sky, slowly sailing from L. 
to R. far behind house; it turns and disappears at R. 
but the sound of its engine is heard drawing nearer 
and nearer above the music, and then the propeller 
and nose of an airplane at R. in corner next to the 
house, propeller slowing down, and out of plane 
comes Miss Mary Money in a pretty aeroplane cos- 
tume. She is made up as much like Mary Pickford 
as possible; comes down front and sings. 

"AEROPLANE SONG" 

(Mary Money and chorus if necessary) 

Chorus Exits. 

Mary seats herself at L. under railing of terrace 
in such a way that she is not seen by Reggie 



who comes from house onto terrace where he sings 
his song, Mary listening to him. 

"DREAMS" 
(Song Reggie) 

Mary -discovers herself to him after his song 
and they have a conversation, flirtation, etc., in 
which he begs her to take him for a trip in the air. 
She finally consents to do this next day if he 
promises to behave himself; says she is doubtful 
as to how he will behave up there, etc., but he 
assures her he will be all she wishes, etc. They 
sing refrain (duet) of "Dreams" and exit R. or L. 

Lady Gladys comes out of house as Donald Air- 
cranks arrives on his motor-cycle from R. He hails 
the lady, taking off his cap as he rides about stage 
(does a stunt if possible), puts up his machine L. 
somewhere and approaches her; she comes down 
from terrace and joins him. They converse. He 
is dressed in khaki as an officer in the U. S. Army; 
he was an aviator ace during the war and wears 
his croix du guerre which he won in France. This 
couple are evidently seriously in love. She asks him 
about Mary Money to whom she says her brother 
is attentive, and he tells her good things about 
Mary, who is a good girl and makes $500,000 a year. 
He tells her however that he is glad her name is 
not Mary as he has had bad luck with girls of that 
name. She asks him why and how, and in reply 
he sings the song to her; — 

"MARIE" 

(Song with pictures, lights, etc.) 

He sings this song down front, Gladys sitting on 
a bench L. As he sings this song, on the refrains 
(three verses) there appear on terrace with proper 
light effects, — 

After 1st verse a smart looking N. Y. 
flapper. After 2nd verse a pretty Parisienne 
coquette up to date. After last verse a handsome 
girl dressed as a Red Cross nurse. Each of these 
in turn walk across terrace during singing of the 
refrain of this song standing in centre making 
picture. They each portray the girl (Marie) about 
whom he is singing, a new Marie for each verse. 

(Both exit after song L.) 

A motor horn heard from R. and on comes a Rolls- 
Royce car, very smart, containing H. R. H. Prince 
of Wales and suite. They are all over the car, on 
the boards, in tonneau, twelve in all including H. R. 
H. and chauffeur. Prince in officer's uniform (Na- 
val), the others in various uniforms of British 
navy, one of which is Scotch (kilts, etc.) another 
Irish (green, carries a shillaleigh). 

Orchestra plays prelude to their entrance and 
car stops C. They sing this song seated and stand- 
ing on car, the Prince singing solo. 



"BRITISH TARS" 
Song* and chorus. (Wales and officers.) 

(1) 
Prince As British tars in motor cars 

We've nearly had a wreck. 
Officers Heave ho! heave ho! 

Heave ho! for a bottle o' rum. 
Prince We do not look as nautical 

As we do on a quarter deck. 
Officers Heave ho! heave ho! 

Heave ho for a bottle o'rum. 
Prince When sailing free on the briny sea 

In the good old ship Renown, 

It's safer far for a "British tar" 

Than it is in Hollywood town. 
Officers It's safer far for a "British tar". 

Than it is in Hollywood town 

(2) 
Prince The girls one meets along your streets 

You cannot watch your wheel. 
Officers Heave ho! heave ho! 

Heave ho! for a bottle o' rum. 
Prince They catch your eye, however you try 

To run on an even keel. 
Officers Heave ho! heave ho! 

Heave ho! for a bottle o' rum. 
Prince With frocks so neat, and dainty feet 

They make it very hard 

To avoid a smash or a possible mash 

On the Hollywood boulevard. 

refrain 
Officers Oh we are merry, merry sailor men 

But we think it queer, yes very queer, — 
That in your free America 
You now prohibit wine and beer 
The things which give us all good cheer, — 
For thirsty men are we, yes thirsty men 

are we. 
We like your climate, flowers and girls, 
The dainty pearls, they're fit for earls 
And tho' we wish that we had come 
Before you did away with rum, — 
And tho' it causes us distress, 
In point of fact, and never-the-less, 
We wish to state we appreciate 
Your hospitalitee. 

At end of number they all get out of car and are 
welcomed by Earl and Countess who come out of 
house and down to meet them. 

A lackey, during conversation which follows, 
serves the officers with soft drinks for which Earl 
apologizes and tells H. R. H. of Mr. Andrews' in- 
vitation to entertain them all at his "Sub Rosa" 
mine for luncheon with etceteras, to which H. R. H. 
and officers joyfully accede. Prince and suite 
after some conversation are introduced to some of 



the Movie Queens who have appeared, which 
leads up to a duet between ten officers and ten 
girls. This number has a lot of business with it 
and is begun by officers who sing in tribute to the 
American girl at whose feet they have fallen. 

"THE AMERICAN GIRL" 
(Officers and Girls) 

Officers We've sailed the seas in every clime 
From Guam to Trafalgar 
We've met all kinds of girls sublime 
But you are fairer far 
Than all the maidens we have seen 

(Aside) Each one of them's a movie queen 

Oh how we wish our fate had been 
In Cal — i — for — ni — a. 

Girls We thank you for the compliment 
We take ycu as you are, 
We recognize the good intent 
Of every British tar. 
And if you really are sincere 
Perhaps before another year 
You will come back and settle here 
In Cal — i — for — ni — a. 

Officers Now that's an excellent idea 

We'd like to come and settle here 
'Twould be the proper course to steer 
For any British tar; — 
But will you make it very clear 
That you will wait for us a year 
And come to meet us on the pier 
In Cal — i — for — ni — a? 

Girls Oh! that's an excellent idea 

If you will come and settle here 
It is the proper course to steer 
For any British tar. 
And we will make it very clear ~ 
If you'll come back within a year 
We'll all be waiting on the pier 
In Cal — i — for — ni — a. 

Officers America ! America ! 

The land we all adore 
You came to us in time of need 
And helped us win the war, — 
Old England is your -motherland 
Both countries strong and free 
Are welded with an iron band 
By hands across the sea. 

All Oh! Britain and America 

The lands we all adore 
Our flags unfurled will hold the world 
In peace for evermore, — 
For England is our motherland 
Both countries strong and free 
Are welded with an iron band 
By hands across the sea. 






After this number a short conversation follows, 
leading up to the proposed departure of all hands 
in motor cars, movie people and all, — much to the 
Countess's disgust, for the "Sub Rosa" mine where 
they are expected. 

The finale of the act being the refrain of The 
American Girl sung by the whole company. 

CURTAIN 



ACT II. 

Scene: A brilliant palatial under —ground banquet 
hail of appearance similar to the most sumptuous 
modern restaurant. Tables for four or six people 
each at R. and L. all set for dinner or luncheon. 
Crystal chandelier lighting effects from ceiling. 
Hangings from walls embodying a color scheme of 
striking nature. At centre back an iron grill ele- 
vator door. By this elevator the guests arrive at 
beginning of act. Decorations and lighting effects 
ad lib. 

SCENARIO 

At rise of curtain orchestra is playing prelude to 
opening chorus. This chorus is sung by colored 
waiters dressed in white jackets, white aprons, etc. 
They are putting the finishing touches on the tables 
as curtain rises. 

OPENING CHORUS— (Waiters) 
"THE GOLDEN YEAR" 

Mr. Andrews appears from R. and questions head 
waiter as to the arrangements, etc., for the banquet. 
Amusing conversation between them. Elevator seen 
coming down; grill opens and Mr. W. Binks and 
movie actresses and actors come on. Talk between 
Andrews and Binks about the arrangements for en- 
tertaining Prince, etc. Binks has several clever 
specialists, dancers, singers, jugglers, etc. Andrews 
delighted. Waiters busy bringing in wine coolers 
with champagne bottles in them, and otherwise 
fixing tables. 

They seat the new arrivals at tables. Another 
load of people arrive by elevator, actors, male and 
female. Then Grafton and Miss Andrews, Reggie 
and Mary Money, Lady Gladys and D. Aircranks 
all come down together and after looking about and 
being greeted by Andrews these seat themselves at 
tables. Then come the Earl and Countess with 
Wales and this entrance is the signal for all to rise 
and drink their cocktails to the Prince's health. 

The next load to come down is that of the officers 
of suite, who after a welcome from Andrews are 
seated at tables with movie actresses. When all 
have been seated Andrews makes a neat speech 
welcoming the distinguished visitors "to our shores", 
and a health or toast of welcome is drunk by all- 
standing with cocktail glasses in hand. 

Mr. W. Binks then assumes the position of master 
of ceremonies a la the announcer in the Russian 



Vaudeville, introducing the various specialties which 
now come on for the entertainment of guests and 
audience. 

These specialties may be of any character from 
performing dogs to operatic music as in vaudeville. 
There may be seven or eight acts between which 
some of the people at the tables can get up and 
dance as in a restaurant. The varied and awkward 
dances seen at public dances can be caricatured 
here by several couples trained for the purpose. 
, Also between the dances the love interest between 
the three couples further developed. 

Hon. Percy Grafton meets "Isabel", his bete-noire, 
here of whom he has sung in act one. His hair 
stands on end when he sees her, but she tells him 
she is making big money in the movies and will 
not molest him in his heiress-hunting, greatly to 
his relief. 

Among these specialties should be a ballet with 
ballerina, also the following songs, etc: — 

A Ballet, Songs and Choruses of "Arizona", 
"Sky-Doo", "Wedding Day", "Serenade", "Calves". 

"CALVES" 

(1) 
Mary used to have a lamb whose fleece was white 

as snow 
But that was when we ail were young, many years 

ago. 
The "little Marys" of today, — they don't do things 

by halves 
For me this is a bitter cup, 
The little lambs they're given up, — 
They've all gone in for calves. 
I see calves that make me shudder, and calves that 

make me scream 
And some that cause me laughter, and some that 

are a dream. 
But Mary dear! I can but feel, as up and down 

I roam 
That the landscape would be fairer if you kept your 

calves at home. 

REFRAIN 

Calves ! Calves ! Calves ! 

Our girls never do things by halves 

It matters not whether it's good or bad weather 

They always appear on the scene 

On Fifth Avenue or in Kalamazoo 

And in every old place in between 

You find them in flocks in the shortest of frocks 

Wherever the grazing is green. 

(2) 
Now most calves have a tendency around the lot 

to fly 
They like to be admired by every passer-by 
They flit about the front-yards and in the pastures 

on Broadway 
It seems to me it is too bad 



It really makes me very sad 

To watch these calves at play, — 

For whether they are Shorthorns, red, or Jerseys, 

pale and gray 
Or Black and Whites, or Durhams, or just plain 

every day — 

I get this deep impression, as I gaze upon these flirts 
That the higher the cost of living goes, the higher 
go the skirts. 

REFRAIN 

Calves! Calves! Calves! 

Our girls never do things by halves 

Silk stockings and laces and vanity cases — 

Economy always is seen. 

Putting money away for a nice rainy day 

To purchase a new limousine — 

In the shortest of frocks they are looking for 

rocks 
Wherever the grazing is green. 



In short an entertainment worthy of their royal 
guest, the development of the "Hands across the 
sea" idea, British and American flags shown, etc., 
ad lib. This consumes the remainder of the act. 

The act ends with a big chorus during which the 
Prince and suite after shaking hands with every- 
body, each officer kissing his girl goodbye, get into 
elevator and are seen going up as the curtain falls. 

FINALE 

(Officers and all the company) 

Officers Souvenir! Souvenir! 

Here's a token for sweet memory 

To remind you that we bind you 

To await our return from the sea 

Have no fear, — in a year, — 

Though sad as our parting must be 

We shall burn to return 

To your beautiful bonny countree 

Souvenir ! Souvenir ! 

We'll return to your bonny countree. 

All (the girls have different words in the 

repetition of above) 



lntertyped by The Gladding Print, Newport 



JL 



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